Guaranteed predictions for the new year

By: John Richards Posted: December 30, 2012 No Comments

As we embark on a new year full of hope and change, er, a, hope for change it’s time for my predictions for the New Year. And unlike those $9.99 a minute psychics these are worth the price. Did I happen to mention they’re free? Time to put on the psychic helmet, and yes, I know it looks like tin foil but that shows how much you folks you know. It’s actually aluminum foil. So here we go with the most accurate prognostications for 2013.

In very early January house members will meet to select a speaker and John Boehner will cry. I have no idea if he’ll be reelected or not. Either way John Boehner will cry.

Later in January Barack Obama will be inaugurated once again, so much for hoping for change, to far smaller crowds than four years ago. To maintain the optics of electing the greatest Kenyan ever to be elected President of these United States Obama’s campaign staff will pack the empty land with everyone who owes him a favor. Yes we’re talking about Hollywood liberals with their security details, main stream media talking heads and their pack of body guards, approximately 2/3 of the NBA along with their posses and every gangbanger in DC and Baltimore that leftover Obama for America campaign funds could bail, or bail out. The speech will be received with great ovation especially when he brings up banning all civilian weapons and the crowd goes wild in agreement. In their zeal things will get ugly when they all pull their guns and fire into the air. DC police will announce the next day they are investigating to determine if the guns were real. The only arrest made will be David Gregory, who coincidentally will not actually be armed, when he tries to sell a thirty round clip for an AR-15.

In February Obama will deliver yet another State of the Union Address where, with unexpected candor, he will announce that he made numerous mistakes during his first term and how he’s learned from his mistakes and will be a better president during this term. MSM pundits will gush with praise during the planned applause pause and Chris Matthews’ anchor desk will mysteriously levitate two inches off the floor. Then Obama will commit to doing exactly what he did in his first term only better. Congressman Joe Wilson will not shout “You lie.” opting instead to shout “You lie really well.” Obama will thank Joe for the compliment and then move on to gun control at which point Democrats will uproariously leap for joy and dance on their desks. Secret Service agents with the memories of the inaugural address still foremost in their minds, well almost as foremost as memories of Columbian hookers, will open fire on the crowd and then promptly be arrested for having clips that hold more than ten rounds.

Long awaited testimony on the Benghazi terrorist attack will fill the news cycle in March when a subpoenaed Hillary Clinton will be brought to the hearings in chains after being located in upstate New York working as a pole dancer. She will claim her name is Hills Aplenty, has never heard of Hillary Clinton and has never worked anywhere as a secretary emphasizing the point with “Hell, I’ve never typed in my life.” When asked what she knows about Benghazi she’ll reply she’s never known any guy named Ben Ghazi but in her line of work everyone is known as “Honey”. At which point committee Democrats will shout “We told you she had amnesia.” Upon being excused she will manage to satisfy skeptical republicans by ripping her blouse open and leaning over the congressmen to accept, um, donations. As she exits she’ll ask if she can keep the chains to spice up her act. Shortly after that John Kerry will be confirmed as Secretary of State and, at the year’s only cabinet meeting, will get coffee for the other cabinet members.

On April 1st Barack Obama will issue a press release announcing China has foreclosed on the United States. Ten minutes later, after the Dow has plunged 11,000, he’ll issue another release that reads “April fools!” The following day he’ll issue yet another release that China has foreclosed on the United States and then he’ll go play golf.

In May John Boehner will cry, for the entire month. Later in the month the administration will leak to MSNBC that Obama has indeed been nominated and made the short list for the Nobel Prize in Economics. Meanwhile, over on Fox, Neil Cavuto will laugh so hard paramedics will be summoned to the set of Your World. Later it will be learned that the nomination came from the Chinese government.

In June Barack Obama will realize he knows nothing with regards to economics and will hatch a clever plan to enroll in Econ 101 during the summer session when there are less people on campus. To avoid detection he’ll enroll as a foreign student named Barry Sotero and will even use a phony social security number provided by a friend in the New Black Panthers. The transcript will subsequently be deleted by a student hoping to land a job at Media Matters for America.

In July Obama will get permission from China allowing Americans to fly our flag on Independence Day one last time by reminding them that 99 percent of American flags are made in China anyways. At the same time US Treasury agents will appear at every Hobby Lobby store to enforce the million dollar a flag fine for selling American flags actually produced in America.

Back on the National Mall Obama will direct and star in the reenactment of “The Great War of the Ninety-nine Percent versus the One Percent”. Reenactors will be shocked when their guns are confiscated as they exit the mall after the show.

Meanwhile, First Dog Bo will go missing after the First Family’s Holiday Barbeque Bash never to be seen again.

Festivities will end with a special guest appearance by Hills Aplenty as she replaces the Chinese flag back atop the pole.

August will be a busy month as Obama spends every day, except the 9th to celebrate Eid al-Fitr, drawing a new line in the sand with respect to Iranian and North Korean nukes. Questioned about his inconsistent policy at his first press conference of the year on August 31st Obama will simply reply “Damn tides!”

September will find Obama busy on the golf course entertaining the Nobel Prize Jurors who, coincidently, also find themselves recipients of green energy loans that will harness the energy created by each and every swing of a golf club.

The long awaited October debut of Mexico’s Most Wanted is a smashing success when Mexican police are filmed in a real life raid on the home of Attorney General Eric Holder for the illegal export of guns to their country. Things take an ugly turn and nearly escalate to an all out war at a bail hearing in Nogales when Holder’s attorney explains that America has no cash left to post his bond and suggests that we could pay with surplus rifles no longer used by our military after the fiscal cliff dive and resulting sequester. Luckily order is restored when Mexico’s drug lords step in and negotiate the transfer of southern California to Mexico.

November begins with Obama signing an executive order re-designating Thanksgiving Day as Native American Genocide Day. Piers Morgan, now living in exile in Kenya under the alias Pierce Morgan, equipped with only an iPhone and a wifi connection begins non stop broadcasts of atrocities committed centuries ago by illegal European immigrants armed with Bushmaster rifles and rocket propelled grenades. MSNBC’s Ed Schultz picks up the story and demands reparations be paid and asserts that Native Americans are in fact descendants of African Americans and expands the reparation demands. In a related development PETA demands lifetime welfare benefits and subsidized housing for displaced turkeys. And, as expected, the Detroit Lions lose the first annual Native American Genocide Day game.

December brings more than a Christmas surprise when Obama, fresh off his success in ending the Thanksgiving holiday decides it’s time to do the same with Christmas opting to call it “Holiday Day” since it is a federal holiday and he’s a fervent believer in the concept separation of church and state. Sadly he is told that Santa also goes by the alias “St. Nick”, something obviously religious. When confronted with a petition by department store Santa’s questioning his authority he strikes back ordering a new elite police unit to confiscate all Santa suits. Public backlash ensues and citizens begin talk of celebrating Christmas underground and foregoing the giving of gifts. Retailers become furious going so far as to have “Christmas Sales” and instructing cashiers to say the dreaded words “Merry Christmas” to customers. But Obama holds firm, and blaming the trouble on the Santa’s, orders their arrest if caught in costume. He further exacts his revenge when he makes them ineligible for unemployment benefits.

Not only the United States but the entire Christian world plunges into recession. Unbeknown to him the Norwegians at the Nobel thingy, big fans of St. Nick, were prepared to give him the award but changed their minds when they realized the world economy is dependent upon Christmas. Hastily they will select a new winner, Kris Kringle.

Happy New Year!


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