The coming zombie apocalypse, homeland security and gun control

By: John Richards Posted: January 10, 2013 No Comments

Let’s get something out of the way right now. If you don’t believe that watching violent movies desensitizes people to violence, please don’t let me keep you from watching the Steven Seagal meets Arnold Schwarzenegger Schwarzenegger movie marathon. Likewise, if you refuse to believe that violent video games aren’t killing simulators, more likely ‘stimulators’, go back taking on the world in Call of Duty: Black Ops II on your Xbox 360. If you’re a sane and sensible person, keep reading. 

Joe Biden the Wonder Veep today stated that we’ve come to consensus on gun control and violence in this country and he’ll be presenting his recommendations to Obama on Tuesday. Apparently it’s quicker and simpler to rewrite the Second Amendment than it is to balance an annual budget. Never mind that he has yet to talk to the entertainment (liberal donor) industry but then again they’re protected by the most sacred First Amendment. Hey! There’s amendments and then there’s amendments. 

Unfortunately, lost in all the fervor to ban guns, no one has looked at either of the common threads in found in just about all school shootings. The most prevalent trait is bullying and ostracizing of those who are weak or different. And yet school administrators and teachers very rarely do anything to stop it. Then there are those who are just plain controlled by evil. 

Don’t worry, we’ll get to the zombies in a bit.

In all the hype and emotion of the tragedy in Newtown liberals have screamed for gun control, gun regulation and even gun confiscation. It’s the same old story, guns are evil, guns kill people, guns are dangerous. People aren’t the problem, it’s the guns. And after all the screaming and anti-gun threats, new even more onerous infringements on the Second Amendment will be sold to us as reasonable and people who know nothing about guns will agree. 

Say hello to the slippery slope. Because there will be another Newtown. If someone wants to do evil, evil will help them find a way to get it done. And there’ll be the incensed liberals screaming again for gun control and confiscation. Americans have short memories, they’ll have long forgotten about the first round of restrictions that did nothing and in there shock and despair of “Newtown the Sequel” will happily agree to even more restrictions. 

And this theatre will continue until guns are banned. And then there will still be guns. They are not a uniquely American product. They will find their way here. Just look at the great work our government has done in keeping illegal aliens, drugs and cheap knock off goods from the streets of our country. Not to mention the success story of prohibition. After all, historical accounts prove that not a soul in this country could find a drink, that Joe Kennedy didn’t become even richer moving booze and all those little boats crossing the Detroit River were just sightseers watching the submarine races. (But just to be on the safe side I’m watching every episode of Moonshiners. And I’m taking notes!) 

The simple truth is that banning guns, just like drugs and alcohol, does nothing but increase violence. Violence to protect your product and territory and violence to get the money to buy what they’re selling. And law abiding citizens won’t that equalizer to stop them. But don’t worry, police and take a report. 

Finally we get to the zombies. 

In late 2011 in Delaware Ohio and again in late 2012 in San Diego California the good folks at Homeland Security held drills to demonstrate how they will protect us from angry hoards of zombies. I would’ve used the word “rampaging” but zombies do not rampage. I’ve watched a lot of zombie movies and those critters move stiff legged at about the same speed as a tired obese snail. And not once have I seen a zombie carrying, much less using, a gun. In fact about the only time they catch someone still a member of the land of the living is when an actor stops to stare into the camera and produce their best wide eyed look of terror while unleashing a Jamie Leigh Curtis scream. 

Let’s face facts. Zombies will not attack us. They have nothing in common with things that could. You know, things like Occupiers, Islamic terrorists, citizens fed up with their government when the economy collapses and they’re homeless and starving. So why use zombies? Because zombies are nothing but targets. They can’t shoot you, catch you, or do anything else to harm you. It’s like a video game. You shoot and they fall. The more you shoot the better you get at it. You don’t even think about as real after awhile. You know, desensitized. 

And if our government were really in fear of a zombie attack it seems to me they’d issue an AR-15 to every adult in the country. So rest easy fellow Americans, our government isn’t really preparing for zombies, just us.

Category: Opinion
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