The “Assault Drill” ban of 2043

By: John Richards Posted: January 18, 2013 1 Comment

Breaking News From The Future

January 18, 2043

APP – Almighty Propaganda Press

Washington AC/DC (The named was changed as required by the Bisexual Rights Act of 2023)

President Malia Obama-O’Reilly today signed the Common Sense Assault Drill Control Act passed by Congress in the wee hours of this morning. The president, flanked by child victims of drill violence, said “this bill will be sure to stop the wave of indiscriminant mass murders committed by drill wielding gangs and other crazy people who say the Federal Protective Police are nothing more than report takers.” She went on to say she only wished this legislation had been passed twenty years ago when her late father, the former president, was a killed in what she termed as “a senseless act of assault drill violence.”

Provisions of the Common Sense Assault Drill Control Act include a pre-purchase comprehensive criminal and psychological background check followed by a thirty day waiting period, registration of all drills, including a serial number in two places on the drill and a ban on sales to people under the age of 24. The real crux of the bill however is aimed at the more popular cordless drills. The act prohibits the sale of high capacity rechargeable lithium-ion batteries, reduces the size of the chuck from ½ inch to 1/8 inch. Keyless chucks are also banned to prevent quick reloading of bits.

Additionally all drills sold after March 1, 2043 must include new technology that automatically stops the drill through sensors that detect human flesh as well as human odor detectors that work much the same way as a hound dogs nose does. President Obama-O’Reilly has tasked the CDBC (Centers for Disease and Behavior Control) with perfecting this new technology commonly referred to as the “Beagle Brake”. When asked if the Beagle Brake technology was ready for production, CDBC Director Doctor Bill Nye The Science Guy said: “The what?”

Also forbidden in the act are drill bits longer that one inch and more than 3/16 inch in diameter. Further, bits are subject to the Assault Drill Victims Tax and buyers must present a Bit Acquisition Permit along with state issued photo identification. No more than three bits may be bought in any thirty day period.

The legislation, passed by the Senate at 4:13 this morning, was fiercely opposed by the Power Tools Manufacturers Association, the Home Builders Association and the Association of Home Improvement Retailers who said this would have a chilling effect on the economy and raise unemployment by three points to 68.7 percent.

Retailers report a run on cordless drills today with record crowds but no instances of drill violence reported. A call was placed to the Federal Protective Police to confirm this but their voice mail said they were closed for the weekend. 

During a very brief question and answer session after the signing the president was asked what made her believe this would curb violence when the Gun Confiscation Act of 2019,  the Assault Knife Act of 2032 and the Assault Fork Act of 2034 were shown to have absolutely no impact on saving lives she responded “It doesn’t matter that they didn’t work but if this bill would save just one life it’s worth it and the knife ban had actually had the unforeseen positive effect of reducing obesity by 30 percent when people ate less food once they had to use those disposable biodegradable plastic knives. Asked if she still use metal silverware she replied “My husband yes, my dog maybe, my sterling silver never.”

When questioned why she pushed for a ban on so-called “Assault Drills” and not on hammers even though hammers are the weapon of choice in most murders the president responded “Well drills are a lot scarier looking and they’re kind of the same shape as those hand guns confiscated almost three decades ago. Besides that they all have a little light so you can see what you’re aiming at and don’t even get me started about those little trigger thingies.”

Asked if the government had a contingency plan if people resorted to corded drills President Obama-O’Reilly said, “The executive order banning extension cords is ready for my signature.”

The session abruptly ended when she asked the children surrounding her if they had any questions and one little boy blurted out “Your daddy wasn’t killed by a cordless drill. He was killed when he laid down under an oil well drill and said over ‘my dead body’, right?”


One Response to “The “Assault Drill” ban of 2043”

  1. Dorthy Kuhl
    January 18th, 2013 @ 8:00 pm

    I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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