Sequestration for dummies

By: John Richards Posted: February 25, 2013 No Comments

With all the confusion about what the sequester does I thought it was time to put my in-depth knowledge of politics and the inner workings of our government to work for you and once and for all end the unceasing speculation and horror scenarios being tossed around by Barack Obama and friends like just so many wads of taxpayer cash.

Obama will have to give up one of his two teleprompters.

The next World War will be named WW II ½.

Obama’s Secret Service detail will be forced to use blanks to save money. Current ammo will be auctioned off in Mexico.

Half of Joe Biden’s mouth will be sewn shut.

Jack Lew’s nomination as Secretary of the Treasury will be revised to Secretary of the Piggy Bank.

The presidential limo will be replaced with a Fiat 500 and renamed from “The Beast” to “The Cute as a Bug’s Ear”.

The Academy Awards will be limited to 1/3 their usual length.

Governor Chris Christie will be limited to one third his current food intake, although there will be no savings since the remaining food will be used to feed the entire population of Ethiopia.

Nancy Pelosi’s air travel budget will be cut so severely she’ll be able to fly from Washington DC to Baltimore and then take a Greyhound bus the rest of the way to San Francisco.

All full moons are to be replaced by half-moons or less.

White House staffers will be terminated and replaced with the Lobbyist Volunteer Program. (It’ll be the same people, they just won’t be paid directly by the government.)

Bill Clinton will now say, “I feel half your pain”.

Air Force One will be sold and replaced with a four seat Cessna named the Air Force One/Eighth.

Senator Elizabeth Warren will have to reduce her Native American heritage claim from 1/32 to 1/64 and have her “high cheek bones” reduced accordingly.

Aircraft traffic controllers will be cut by 50 percent and all aircraft will be required to install really, really loud horns.

All history teachers will be furloughed. Students will learn all the history they need to know through forced reading of “Dreams from my Father”, “The Audacity of Hope” and the ever popular “Change We Can Believe in”.

Electric vehicles will be mandated to run on reduced voltage.

Washington DC will be renamed Washington dc.

TSA staff will be reduced by one third forcing the agency to be renamed “T&A” (a much more descriptive name anyways).

Airline passengers at smaller airports must pat down each other.

Foreign aid to John Kerry’s mythical country of “Kyrzakhstan” will be cut in half.

Senator Bob Menendez will be required to hire only prostitutes less than half his age. (Prompting him to say, “No sacrifice is too great for my country.”)

President Obama’s Secret Service code name will be changed to “Half…”, um, let’s just leave that one alone for right now.


So what's on your mind?

  • Quick Bytes

    • You may already be a winner!
      Dear NSA, I received an email from the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes this morning, I won! In my excitement I deleted the email in error and must respond to them by tonight. Can you please send me a copy? ×0

    • Just Google it!
      I guess I still don't know why the NSA needs Prism when Obama's got Eric Schmidt and Google.

    • Meanwhile, back on Walton’s mountain
      Good Night Mary Ellen. Good Night Jim Bob. Good Night John Boy. Good Night NSA Jo.

    • The all new and improved DOJ
      The DOJ Inspector General is expected to find there was nothing inappropriate or illegal with the James Rosen search warrant, the IG does recommend however that the DOJ name be changed to "Department of Domestic Overreach" or "DODO". ×0

    • Eric Holder’s iTunes download
      Eric Holder's theme song for the day: 'One is the Loneliest Number'

    • Suggestions for Holder’s “Ask Eric” party
      Eric Holder should really consider an open bar and free pizza to lure more news organizations to his big pow wow. If that doesn't work he could always call it his "retirement party". ×0

    • A rainy Rose Garden
      I'm not at all surprised that Obama didn't hold his own umbrella in the Rose Garden, but I'm astonished it wasn't a golf umbrella. ×0

    • Fiscal restraint through writer’s cramp
      My new plan to get the government from printing more worthless money: Pass a law requiring treasury secretary Jack Lew to personally sign each new bill... Legibly. ×0

    • Obama’s pressers greatest lines
      Obama on Jason Collins' coming out: "... still 7 foot tall and can bang with Shaq and ya know, deliver a hard foul..." Words which will live in infamy. ×0

    • New Tom Brokaw book
      Tom Brokaw's next book title: "The Dumbest Generation Ever - My Autobiography" ×0

  • Categories